| Snob Company Awards: Category Two |

Award: The "I'm Utterly Useless, Like Paris Hilton" Award for Lifetime Acheviement in being useless.

Presented by: The winner of Survivor Eleven

This is, my friends, the most competitive category at the Snobbies. There are so many things to consider. Do you focus on a group, or an individual? What is the definition of useless?

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use·less (ysls)adj.

1. Being or having no beneficial use; futile or ineffective.

2. Incapable of functioning or assisting; ineffectual: He panics easily and is useless in an emergency

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Some only fit into one of the two of these meanings. For example:

1. Being or having no beneficial use; futile or ineffective. Examples: Infomercial hosts, Nicole Richie and Gangster Rappers.

2. Incapable of functioning or assisting; ineffectual. Examples: George W. Bush and un-potty trained lap dogs.

In order to receive a nomination in this category, you must be one of the few that fit into BOTH definitions. This truly is a Herculean task. Being both completely dysfunctional, and having no use is indeed a rare quality. Although, I assume, not rare enough.

I know there will be people out there that don't agree with these nominees. Where is Lindsay Lohan? They will say. I'll tell you where. Not here. Why? Because she is entertaining. That's why. Who doesn't want to watch somebody fall apart in front of their eyes? We know she's not a lesbian, but we like watching her pretend. Britney too. We watched her go from sexy pop-star, to a trailer dweller in a year.

With out further a do, the most useless of the useless. Ladies and Gentleman, the nominees for the 'I'm Utterly Useless, Like Paris Hilton' Award for lifetime Achievement in being useless. And it comes down to two amazing finalists...

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Nominee
The Cast of 'the Hills'

Potentially the dumbest human beings on the planet, with what I'm sure is the combined I.Q. of a loaf of Wonderbread, only not nearly as usefull. Try making a sandwich out of Brody Jenner.

Let me add this conversation as proof of the riveting intellegence one finds on the show:

Lauren: So, how is work going?

Whitney: Like, hard, but like, I like it.

Lauren: Is it tough?

Whitney: It's like challenging. Like, the other day, I was like, at a runway show and I was like "Go, Go, Go!" to all the models. It was, like, great.

Lauren: Wow! That sounds like your dream job.

Is it really any wonder why people have no hope for the youth today? Remember though, these kids are young, and have plenty of time left to aggrivate us.ne

Nominee
Jesus of Nazereth

Now, I'm not going to get into a big anti-Jesus thing here. I'll save that hole-ripping for another day. And believe me, that day is coming. And the hole I tear into religion will be as wide as the 'Virgin' Mary's ... nevermind.

Needless to say, without the mightiest of all fictional characters, we would have 1 /4th the war, and much less disagreement between people who believe that we are all sinners because two naked people ate a cursed apple off a tree, because a talking snake told them too, and those of us who are not retarded.

The one saving grace this nominee has is being the base for the very funny 'Baby Jesus' prayer in the film 'Talladega Nights'. But, as this is a lifetime acheviement award, who better than a man whos bullshit has been useless for 2000 years?

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... and the Snobbie goes too


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Paris Hilton

Of course she was going to win this award, folks. It's named after her. Like you didn't see it coming. What better victor than everybody's favorite attention-whore.

Paris personifies useless in every facet. The leader of the 'I'm famous because I'm rich' sect, who apperently spends the majority of her time looking for best friends, on television, and giving below par head in night vision.

Congrats, Paris, you win a dozen elbows to the larrynx.

And them crabs be ichy, aren't they, Paris?

Okay, okay. Here's Lindsay...