" What do you want? Do you want things to go back to how they were?"
"Yes," I said. "Go back to how they were. Only better."
_____
Last night, I began searching for a finite cure to this emotional downpour.
___
Dear Self,
Time to get creative. You were always creative. Why don't you build something?
Love,
Self
___
So, in my backyard I began to build something, crazy as that something is. I made it from paper mache and carefully sculpted chicken wire. And you will be happy to know that I only poked myself through the finger with that wire once.
Would you like to know what I built?
Sit, sit. I'll tell you.
I built a time machine.
A wonderful contraption it was, too. The gas tank is made from discarded copies of Paranormal Activity (See, as horrid as that film was, it makes a surprisingly stable fuel canister. Also, discarded copies were in surplus, and therefore cheap. And you always want to stick to
a budget while building such a device.).
I reached way down inside me. And I filled that tank up with a thousand ways to say I Love You.
And then, a journey.
I arrived back with just enough time to kill my old self and stuff him down the toilet. Hence the reason they clog so very often (Sorry). I imagine I was on my last flush when you walked through the door.
A thousand straight hours in a office could not make you look like any less of an angel.
It was after I hugged you, I did something unusual. Something that made it important for me to make this voyage in the first place.
I talked to you. Not about the day, or how many times I burned myself at work. I started talking about me. My past, the things that shaped me, the things that hurt me.
I told you that I was never the best son. In fact, I doubt I would even make an honourable mentions list. There wouldn't be enough time to go back in time to right all the wrongs I did unto my family. I was absent, I choose that path. I could have been there, but I felt outcast. And why? I just don't have an answer. God help me, I wish I did.
I remembered how the first time I picked up a cigarette I was scared to touch it to my lips. This came after years of nagging my father to stop smoking, a feat he accomplished with honors. He would smoke in the car driving us back to Mother's. DeMaurier Special Mild 100s. Silver pack. Like smoking air. But damn do I remember the nagging. And here I sit. Can't quit. Belmont Mild. Nobody nags me. I wish they did.
I shared that most of the troubles of my life, I made. Nobody else. I made my life seem dismal. I wish I had not done that.
___
"I traced the cord back to the wall. No wonder. It was never plugged in at all."
-Blink 182
___
I spoke of the first time I cut myself. Not at work. But took a razor blade from a disposal razor and sliced into my arm. I knew a girl, I said. Her name was Laura. And Laura would cut herself. Deeply. She used to wear sweatbands and hoodies a lot. I looked at those wounds, and somehow decided that was a good way to express pain. Or at least redirect it. And it became addictive. A release. I never showed them off, in fact, I was very embarrassed about them. The few times fresh cuts were found out landed me in the hospital. My Nanny called the police on me once. She was cities away. That was the first and only time I've been in the back of a police car. At the hospital, I lied. I lied to the social worker who asked me if I was okay. I said I had no interest in ending my life. They let me go. Truth is, if Nanny had not called the police, I would not be here today. I had every intention of taking my own life that night. That one night is the only time I would have ever acted upon that notion. Another truth? I don't remember what was even wrong. I blocked it out, and lost it. It's only been the last year that I have stopped wearing hoodies and sweatbands everywhere. Laura was nice, when she was happy. But sometimes, I wish I never knew her.
___
"I don't know what I knew before. But know I know I want to win the war"
-Feist
___
Then I said I was tired. And we fell asleep on the couch watching Hell's Kitchen. But happy for once. Both of us, that a question you asked finally got answered. And that you knew there were more answers for whatever you wanted to know.
When I woke up...
___
"What would you do... if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Lend me ears, and I'll sing you a song. I'll try not to sing out of key."
-The Beatles
___
In 1969, Neil Armstrong took a one and a half foot step sideways and forever changed the way humans looked at this world. As he stood on the moon, billions watched. United. It gave them hope.
Advances in modern medicine that can cure the sick, or at least give them enough time to reach out to a loving hand and say goodbye.
We figured out that pigs taste really, really great. And made happy a legion of burly weekend BBQers.
Most importantly, we evolved into creatures that can love and be love. Which is the cause of and solution to most of life's problems.
We can drive across countries, and fly across nations.
And I hear them say: "Well, kid. We've come this far."
Yeah, we sure did. Just not far enough to back up and fix ourselves. Make our mistakes right. You'd think with every mistake that is made everyday by every person, somebody would have sought to make someway to fix them. Especially when those repair jobs mean the differene between happy and sad.
I wouldn't go back to relive that moon landing. I wouldn't go back to see the Jays win the world series, witness the building of The Great Wall of China or stand in a field of Dinosaurs (mainly, because that would be dangerous as hell, but I think you understand the point).
But in a heart beat, with a word, I would travel this world, the universe, time to lay down next to you and kiss you goodnight. For all the days of my life.
___
"If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do. Is to save everyday to eternity passes away, just to spend it with you.... I've looked around enough to know that you're the one I want to go through time with. "
- Jim Croce (but best sung by a Muppet. No joke, look it up)
___
With my all
Jeremy
___
x's and o's
Remy
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